The Most Obvious Crossover Ever
by Bahmo
Summary: When Twilight Sparkle's warp spell goes awry, Panty and Stocking crash into Ponyville! Things will never be quite the same, as egos, values, and possibly certain body parts collide! Of all the crossovers between these series, this is definitely one of them!
1. Chapter 1

One fine day in _Ponyville_ , the young but promising Alicorn Princess, Twilight Sparkle, was conversing with her friends about her planned visit to the high school alternate universe of Canterlot High.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** In a few hours, I am planning to go visit Canterlot High, long enough to determine that the version of me there is coming along in learning about friendship. If she's truly anything like me, I have a feeling she'll be just fine, but I'm always glad to prove my theory!

 **Applejack:** So you're just leavin' us to deal with that ne'er-do-well we defeated and captured in the haunted castle last week?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Who, Black Buck? He's not really such a bad pony; he just has had a bad life, and needs us to give him a good one! I may be going away for a bit, but I also have confidence in your abilities to show him the same sort of love you've shown me, and Princess Luna, and Discord, and Gilda the Griffin, and the Changelings, and I shared with Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer!

 **Rainbow Dash:** We _get it!_ Friendship is Magic!

 **Rarity:** Why _Rainbow!_ Is that any way to speak of our mission to help all those in need?

 **Rainbow Dash:** Er, what I mean is, we won't let you down, Twilight!

 **Pinky Pie:** So Twilight, are you gonna use that fancy pancy machine you used before? Because last time it started sparking and smoking and looking not safe for using!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** You're right, Pinky, the machine's design wasn't scientifically sound.

 **Rainbow Dash:** I _knew_ something sounded iffy about the way you were describing it!

Twilight could only grin sheepishly in response.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Yes, well luckily, I also am a sorceress! I have just learned of a new magic spell for traveling to other realms, and I think this mission will be the perfect time to test it out!

 **Fluttershy:** Well, good luck. I'm afraid I need to go feed the animals, so I'll say bye now.

 **Applejack:** Yeah; I think a lot of us need to go off and our own stuff, but let us know later how it went!

* * *

A few hours later, Twilight made announced to ponies near the Ponyville Library that she would do the warp portal spell there for them to watch. She made her way into the center of a dirt street, her horn beginning to glow, and she began her spell.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Open a link to a realm where I'll find, a being who walks upright, with a mane quite like mine!

This rhyme having been recited, the vibrating, glowing, electrical-looking magic swirling around Twilight's horn shot from it about meter ahead, expanding to create a magic portal. Through that portal, Twilight could see another realm. It did not look quite like anywhere she'd been before in the realm containing Canterlot High, but alternate universes are big and diverse (theoretically anyway; somehow high school alternate universes don't often seem to extend far past the high schools) so Twilight thought little of it as she proceeded to walk through the portal-and was nearly struck by an open-topped pink hummer that popped out of a secret passageway in the ground!

Twilight flapped her gorgeous, magical alicorn wings and ascended just in time to evade this unique vehicle and the two human-looking girls who were riding in it—one of whom, indeed, had hair bearing a strong resemblance to Twilight's mane, but this was not the doppelganger she recalled in Canterlot High. By the time Twilight had turned around to get another look at the vehicle and its riders, it had barreled through her magical portal, which then closed, and instead, she saw people being chased around by a monster that looked and especially _smelled_ like it was made of dog urine, and a rather mass-produced-looking city skyline in the distance.

* * *

Meanwhile, the pink hummer emerged from the portal into Ponyville, startling ponies who had watched Twilight cast her spell; they jumped further away from the street in fright, and some even ran and hid! Meanwhile, the thing let out a screech as its occupants looked around in confusion and then forward again, uttering a foreign-sounding word as it proceeded to crash straight into the Ponyville Library!

Ponies slowly began to approach the crashed vehicle and its occupants as they continued to take in their surroundings; the blonde driver looking particularly perplexed.

 **Panty:** What the fuck was that wingy thing we almost crashed into, Stocking?!

 **Stocking:** Looked like some sort of violet horse!

 **Panty:** I was hoping you had some more expertise than that!

 **Stocking:** What is that supposed to imply about me?!

 **Panty:** Just figured you're into that sort of whimsical shit. Also, did we just go through a warp portal?

Just then a high-pitched voice to Panty's right made her jump a bit.

 **Pinky Pie:** Hi there! I'm Pinky Pie!

 **Panty:** Holy shit! Don't startle me like that, you little bitch! I _think_ you are one, anyway…

 **Stocking:** She looks like another horse; not a sort of dog!

 **Panty:** It's an expression, dipshit! I was saying I didn't know for sure if it was _female_!

 **Pinky Pie:** That thing looks neat! Could I have a ride?

Panty was initially baffled by how unfazed this pink pony seemed by her hostile remarks, but soon grinned, and then gestured back towards Stocking.

 **Panty:** You'll have to ask her, but I get the feeling she'll say yes!

 **Stocking:** You don't know me as well as you think, Panty!

Pinky Pie was persistent, and seemingly oblivious to the sexual pun.

 **Pinky Pie:** Awww, pretty Pinky Pie _pleeeeeeease_? If you give me a ride, I'll bake you up a bunch of yummy cakes!

Stocking's face lit up at that suggestion.

 **Stocking:** You've got a deal, lady! Let her aboard, Panty, and rev up See-Through ag—wait; you _were_ actually talking about riding in our hummer; right Pinky Pie?

 **Pinky Pie:** Well, if that big pink car of yours is called a hummer, then I was! If it isn't called a hummer, I'm not sure if I was! It's one of life's many great _mysteries_!

 **Panty:** Fuck that; it's more like one of a stoned college student's great metaphysical asspulls!

 **Stocking:** Quit bitching and drive Panty. Where can we get those cakes, Pinky Pie?

 **Pinky Pie:** Back up and turn left, then just follow that road and we'll be there in no time! Oh, and yes; I'm female. Not sure if I'm a bitch, though! I guess that might be _another_ mystery!

 **Panty:** Probably not for long!

* * *

Panty began driving in the direction specified by Pinky Pie, but she couldn't help but notice that a lot of the other ponies had started to congregate by the street, to watch the spectacle of the new visitors and their pink hummer, See-Through. So maybe midway through the trip, she hit the brakes, unbuckled herself and leapt onto the back of See-Through, full of naughty resolve!

 **Panty:** Like what you see, horsies?! Get a load of this!

With that, Panty yanked off her dress, swirling it around in the air like a hula hoop or a gymnastics ribbon, then threw it to the crowd. A human probably would have caught it; none of the ponies bothered, but they gawked nonetheless, though maybe not with the same motives that would lead humans to gawk. Panty didn't care—possibly, Panty didn't realize-and proceeded to do the same thing with her bra. She had just taken off her titular panties, when Stocking, who had gotten into the driver's seat, got See-Through rolling again, which caused Panty to fall off, face-first into the dirt road! Panty had little choice but to run after her them, naked.

 **Panty:** Come back here, you rascally bitch! Don't leave me here naked with these fucking freaks!

Fortunately, it wasn't very long before See-Through arrived at Pinky Pie's shop, Sugarcube Corner, which meant Panty could catch up to them, eventually.

* * *

Inside, Pinky Pie wasted little time getting out some ingredients and a bowl, turning on the oven, and to Stocking's surprise, launching into song.

 **Pinky Pie:** [Sung] It's really fun to make a cake…the first step is you've gotta take…some tasty things to mix, then bake…a whiiiiiiiile! Then wait some time until it's done…then serve it up and start the fun…it's certain to make everyone…there smiiiiiiiile!

 **Stocking:** Singing while baking? That sounds fun; let _me_ try! [Sung] My favorite thing of all to eat…is anything that's nice and sweet…so let's bake up that sort of treat...for luuuuunch! The batter's mixed, the oven's set…but it's not finished baking yet…so while we wait why don't get…some puuuuunch?!

Pinky Pie clapped.

 **Pinky Pie:** Hey; you have a really pretty voice, Stocking! I'd love it if you gave my friend Scootaloo some singing lessons!

Neither had seemed to notice that Panty had come in through the door a while ago.

 **Panty:** Hmph, of _course_ my sister's voice sounds good to someone who sounds like Nikki fucking Minaj on helium!

 **Stocking:** Quit party-pooping, Panty! Make yourself useful and go buy that punch for us! Or else we won't let you have any lunch!

 **Pinky Pie:** Hey wait, I don't think that's ni—

 **Stocking:** Shut up Pinky, you've landed on my good side; don't jeopardize that!

 **Panty:** Ohhhhh, shit's gettin' real! Stocking's gonna fuckin' cut ya, Pinky!

 **Stocking:** Not if I cut you first, you shit-stirring bitch! Now fuck off already and get that punch!

 **Panty:** Fine; I'll get your fucking punch. Maybe it'll have alcohol...

* * *

 **The plot thickens! Will Panty get the punch?! Will it have alcohol? Tune in soon to find out!**

 **To answer the question, yes; I know Stocking and Scootaloo are voiced by the same woman in Japan. I learned that slightly before beginning work on this fanfiction, many of whose key points I'd planned out in advance, and wanted to reference it somehow, but I couldn't figure out how to work Scootaloo herself into this story.**

 **I've written further than this chapter in this story, and I must say; Stocking is a harder character to write in this scenario. She likes sweets. Pinkie Pie likes sweets. Common ground can form along those lines, but not necessarily comedy. Panty is easy to write in this; she's got a personality that doesn't click with Ponyville and hilarity ensues in the near future. I'd like to use Stocking a bit more than I am already, though, so tell me what you people would like to see that you think would work with her. Note, though, once again, I have a lot of this planned out, so I can't promise anything.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Panty huffed off down the street, either not realizing or not caring that she didn't know where any store was in this town.

 **Panty:** I know I'm not on very good terms with Heaven, but please, pray let there be some booze somewhere in this shithole. Or some hot guys to fuck. I'd prefer both; I'll accept either!

Just then, she bumped into a white unicorn pony with a purple mane, and vice-versa.

 **White Unicorn Pony With a Purple Mane:** Oh, what luck to run into you, dear! My name is Rarity, and I knew I just had to bring you back your lovely dress and harness the moment I saw you lose them! But I'd love to make you more clothes, and now I've got your proportions! I never did get your name!

(Yes; Panty was naked, remember? She remained naked throughout her conversation with Pinky Pie and Stocking. Clothes are optional in Equestria, hence it didn't really matter.)

 **Panty:** My name's Panty, and on that note, think you can make me some clothes that help me get fucked by someone hot here?!

 **Rarity:** "Fucked by someone hot?" You seem to use that word a lot; I'm not sure what it means!

Panty had gotten on her bra again, and was about to put on her dress, but she paused to make a fist with the middle finger raised, holding it by her groin in the right position to simulate a man's genitals. Then she turned her fist around and thrusted the middle finger in the direction of her vagina, while letting out an erotic moan with her mouth.

 **Rarity:** Ohhhh! Oh my! I never even thought of clothes helping with that. Darling, it is really beneath my dignity to explain these things, but we usually just urinate a bit!

Panty had gotten her dress on now, and her face was twisting into a look of disgust.

 **Panty:** Are you actually telling me that when you ponies hook up, the only fluid you cum is piss?! Or in square terms, you just exchange urine?! That's fucking disgusting!

 **Rarity:** No; I mean we mares urinate to arouse stallions; sometimes they come sniff the mare's groins up close!

 **Panty:** That is…only slightly less fucking disgusting.

 **Rarity:** It's…oh dear; I didn't even think of how different you are! That is normal for us, but perhaps you've never known one of your kind aroused by such things! No wonder you are disgusted!

Panty winced.

 **Panty:** No; it's _not_ normal and I _am_ disgusted. But yes, I _do_ know someone of "my kind" aroused by such things. Let's shut the fuck up about it now. Know anywhere I can go buy some good drinks? Because I _really_ fucking need them, now!

 **Rarity:** Why, there are _lots of places_ to buy good drinks here in Ponyville! We have punch stands, Teahouses, cafes—

 **Panty:** Wait, back the fuck up a second! You said this town is actually, unironically called " _Ponyville_ "?!

 **Rarity:** Well, yes. I admit, it's no Manehattan, but—

 **Panty:** Wow; that is so fucking lame! It's like naming a town "Peopleton" or "Personburg" or "Humandale!"

 **Rarity:** Those are what you call yourselves?

 **Panty:** Well, actually I—yeah; that's what we call ourselves.

Rarity thus began spiraling into overdramatic bout of moaning.

 **Rarity:** Oh dear. Oh my! I knew I wasn't living in Manehattan or Canterlot or Phillydelphia, but now that you have pointed it out to me, I realize what a dreary backwater in which I reside. This is the _worst…possible…thing_! This is…fucking terrible!

 **Panty:** Wow. Did you just say that?

 **Rarity:** Oh no; now you're about to tell me that I have misused your people's dialect, too! Please forgive me! I beg! Don't let this day get worse!

 **Panty:** No, actually, you used it fine. You sound like you're on the rag something fierce, but you used the word "fucking" correctly!

Rarity seemed to warm back up in a hurry.

 **Rarity:** Well then, perhaps it's not so bad! I dare say today has become very culturally enlightening! Say, what say I treat us to a great ladies' day on the town!

 **Panty:** Eh, fuck it; why not! I might as well get—

Panty then face-palmed in angered embarrassment.

 **Panty:** Oh, shit! I should have said "cotton pony" back there! A golden menstruation joke was right there, and I fuckin' derped on it!

 **Rarity:** But I'm not made of cotton, why would you think that?

 **Panty:** Never mind.

 **Rarity:** Of course, I _do sew_ things out of cotton, sometimes.

 **Panty:** I said shut the fuck up! Let's go eat already!

* * *

Meanwhile, Stocking and Pinky Pie had been sharing stories about their past adventures.

 **Stocking:** -and that's when Panty and I transformed into Transformers!

 **Pinky Pie:** Wowy! I've always wanted to do that, but all I've ever managed was bending my body into new shapes while making mechanical noises!

 **Stocking:** Well, not everything can be accomplished just by wanting it and practicing it!

 **Pinky Pie:** It…can't?

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

 **Pinky Pie:** Now, who could that be? Maybe your sister's back with punch!

Pinky Pie answered the door, and it turned out to be Twilight Sparkle…smelling like dog urine.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Hello Pinky, and let me guess, you must be Stocking!

 **Stocking:** Wow, yes. How did you know?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** It was quite simple, really. When I traveled to your world, I caught a glimpse of you; not a good one, but enough to see that your mane looked like mine! Then, soon after, I met someone named "Brief" who said to me, and I quote, "Holy shit, Stocking; when the fuck did you become a pony?!" I understood most of that.

 **Stocking:** Figures that Panty's speech style rubbed off on Brief. Well; it's not like it's the _worst_ thing a man can get from a slut!

 **Pinky Pie:** Sayyyyyyy…Twilight? Did you go through anything funny in that other realm?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Well, I wouldn't call it funny. More like scary. I also got in a fight with a really creepy monster, and—

Stocking cut her off.

 **Stocking:** What I think Pinky Pie meant was, you reek of dog piss!

Pinky Pie blushed, shrugged, and nodded.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Yes, well, as I was saying, the monster was chasing your people so I went to save them, and I zapped it with my magic horn, and it exploded, but first it got so close that it exploded right onto _me._ So I really am sorry, but about then is when I theorized this probably wasn't the realm where I intended to warp, since the realm I intended has someone who looks like me, but she's _also_ named Twilight, but I always want to test my theories, and so I warped back here and went looking for you!

 **Stocking:** Well, you've found me. Now please, find a shower!

* * *

Elsewhere, Rarity took Panty to a café.

 **Rarity:** You're going to love this place, darling! Their sandwiches and milkshakes are simply full of delightful ingredients!

 **Panty:** I'll believe it when I see it. Actually, taste it.

Inside the shop, they sat down and got some menus. Panty went through the menu, trying to find a sandwich she liked. "Fuck," she muttered.

 **Rarity:** Oh dear; is something wrong?

 **Panty:** Yeah; that's right. You're horses; you _would_ be fucking vegetarians, wouldn't you?!

 **Rarity:** Well, we're vegetarians of _some_ sort. I'm afraid I still don't quite understand the precise meaning of that word!

A listening waitress took note.

 **Waitress:** What word would that be, exactly? You need help understanding our menu?

 **Panty:** I believe she was talking about "fucking".

 **Waitress:** …fucking? _I_ don't know that _either_ ; what is it?

Panty began to demonstrate in the way she had for Rarity; putting her hand in "the bird" pose and motioning it towards her groin.

 **Panty:** Well, _literally_ , it means—

 **Rarity:** Stop, Panty! That isn't a subject for this occasion!

 **Panty:** Aw; c'mon; the curious young lady pony wants to know! So anyway, it's—

 **Rarity:** Reveal it elsewhere, but not now here, or else I won't pay! Now let's order something!

 **Panty:** Fine; I guess I'm too fucking hungry to argue anyway. I guess I'll just have to try to get my protein from those milkshakes, and don't blame me if I get the raging shits from them!

 **Waitress:** You know, if you aren't going to explain the meaning of these words, perhaps it would be best not to use them.

 **Panty:** I already bent over and took one demand, and that's more than e-fucking-nough! So fuck off, before I get pissed!

 **Waitress:** Sorry, but I still don't understand what those words mean.

Panty slammed her fist down onto the table so hard that both seemed like they almost broke, and the objects on the table went airborn briefly. Exasperated, she glared at the waitress, leaned towards her, and growled through mostly-clenched teeth.

 **Panty:** AL-…RIGHT. LISTEN...HERE. STOP…ASK…ING…ME…TO WATCH…MY…LAN-…GUAGE. OR…I…WILL…GET…EVEN…AN-…GRI-…ER. DO…YOU…UNDER-…STAND?!

 **Waitress:** [Gulp!] Um; yes madam! So, what would you like to order?

* * *

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle finished her bath, and went out to speak to Stocking and Pinky Pie again.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** So Stocking, I know meeting you was an accident, but I still can't wait to learn how much we have in common! Perhaps there's a _reason_ we're meeting!

 **Stocking:** Meh; I dunno quite how this magic stuff works, but I'm thinking it really is just because I look like you. And no; I never before considered the possibility that I might somehow look like a pony...who's also a unicorn…and a…pegasus.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Oh; you mean an _alicorn_!

 **Stocking:** Wha-? Well, if that's what you call a horse with both a horn and wings, then yes, you're an alicorn.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I used to be just a unicorn!

 **Stocking:** Meaning, no wings?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** That's right! I only had a magical horn at first, but after completing a lot of tasks, I finally grew wings! That's not something just anypony can say!

 **Stocking:** That you grew wings? Well okay; maybe not _anybo_ —wait; you said "any _pony_ "? No wait; that makes sense. You've taught me a word; carry on.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Oh, do _you_ like to learn, too?!

 **Stocking:** …um; sort of? I'm more academic than my dumbass sister, anyway!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Oh; you have a sister! I've always wondered what that would be like!

Stocking shrugged.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** So, have you had a lot of adventures teaching you about the power of friendship?

 **Stocking:** Not really my thing. I've had adventures…defeating _un_ friendly beings, if that counts.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Well, maybe that's _sort of_ like me. So how did you defeat those unfriendly beings?

 **Stocking:** I did this to them…

She proceeded to remover her titular stockings, transform them into twin katanas, leap into the air, and thrust them downward powerfully.

 **Stocking:** …and they fell apart! More like exploded, sometimes!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I…see…

 **Stocking:** Oi! I shouldn't have done that so soon after stuffing myself with cake! I think I'm gonna be sick!

* * *

 **Finally some action, if you count a short swordplay demo! Not enough for your tastes? Well, just wait until next chapter, picky-picky, because we've got a bonafide Brawl in it! Who will the fighters be?! Tune in next time to find out!**


	3. Chapter 3

Rarity took Panty back to the Carousel Boutique after they finished a good lunch—in Rarity's opinion, that is; in Panty's opinion, it was just a tolerable lunch.

 **Rarity:** I think we are going to have so much fun making you some fabulous clothes, Panty! While I admit that I've never really designed clothes with the intention of attracting a suitor before, an esteemed, cutting edged fashion designer such as myself must rise to these challenges to remain so!

 **Panty:** Just remember, no pissing on my fabric! Piss-stank is not how we sexy! Well; not _most_ of us…

 **Rarity:** …but some of you do?

 **Panty:** Yeah; I've been around the block enough that I've seen some shit! Or seen some _piss_ in this case, but one day, I know I _will_ run into some fucking scatophiliac freak, and on that day, even _I_ might have my sexdrive disabled for a while!

 **Rarity:** Darling, I am not entirely sure what you are talking about, but I suspect it would be most pleasant if we keep it that way!

 **Panty:** Good; just understand the "No piss on Panty's dress" principle and we're good!

 **Rarity:** So, how would you recommend I best suit your refined tastes in visual charisma?

 **Panty:** …"refined tastes in visual charisma"? Me?!

 **Rarity:** You seemed to have them.

 **Panty:** Meh; I'll run with it. I'm thinking I want a really tight but nonrestrictive one-piece thing. Have it start here [She positioned her two index fingers just slightly above her nipples] and end here [She positioned them just slightly below her crotch], and its zipper start right here [She pointed right between her breasts] and run all the way straight down there [she pointed to her groin again], and how about for the fabric, black, comfortable silk with some dark crimson rose illustrations on it? That should be fucking awesome! And make for awesome fucking!

 **Rarity:** You certainly know how to stretch a few words to their most articulate potential!

Panty grinned.

 **Panty:** That shit comes with practice! Anyhoo, can you manage that?

 **Rarity:** I believe I can! You will be overjoyed at how fucking awesome this pony fashion designer can be!

Panty grinned again. She continued to grin as she watched Rarity pick almost exactly the sort of fabric she wanted out of a pile, and a zipper whose color fit it, too. Then, a certain heavy gurgling in her waist made her stop grinning.

 **Panty:** Yeesh; that damned milkshake is fighting back already! Where's the shitter, Rarity?

 **Rarity:** Where's what?

 **Panty:** The toilet!

 **Rarity:** Toilet? Something cleaning-related?

 **Panty:** Fuckin' Hell Rarity; the white seat people dump their excrement in! Oof; I feel it coming!

 **Rarity:** People dump it on a chair? We Equestrians usually do it on the ground?!

Panty simultaneously winced and clenched up her body, as if to fight against premature discharge.

 **Panty:** Like right here on the floor?!

 **Rarity:** Oh my; no! We are far too sophisticated for that! Usually we just seek a patch of grass behind buildings, and let it out there! It even saves money on fertilizer and keeps things good and green!

 **Panty:** I'm all for cheap fertilizer, but that's what you call sophisticated?! Can't you at least use a bowl and dump it or something?!

 **Rarity:** Well, if that is comforting to your people, I suppose I could try to find a fitting implement!

 **Panty:** Yeah; maybe that—[Gurgle] Oh, fuck! Too late; it's coming! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

While uttering that prolonged and appropriate expletive, Panty charged out of the back door of Rarity's Carousel Boutique, working the knob just enough to let her bodyslam the door open, because she was already repurposing her hands to lift up her skirt and yank off her panties. Now out of time and fighting against splashing herself, she essentially launched into some semblance of a flying drop-kick that landed into an awkward sumo squat; as the foul remnants of her milkshake sprayed from her anus and fertilized the grassy patch like a multipurpose sprinkler system! She continued to aim her backside in such a way as she was able to save herself; or at least she was reasonably sure. Only then, did she realize that a large red pony was nearby, taking an eyeful of the sight.

 **Panty:** Do you mind, fucker?!

 **Large Red Pony:** Nnnope!

 **Panty:** Well; I do, so fu—go away and leave me in peace!

Surprisingly, the large, red pony obeyed, looking very startled.

 **Panty:** Fuck me; I'm reduced to shitting in alleys like some degenerate fucking bum, and it figures someone else would be around to fucking peep on me!

Then, she noted something else.

 **Panty:** Oh, right; wiping. [Yelling:] Hey; can anyone here get me some paper?!

Nobody seemed to hear Panty, so she grudgingly waddled out into the street. She almost bumped into a little purple dragon that reminded her of someone. She said again:

 **Panty:** I need some paper to wipe my ass with!

As if on cue, the little purple dragon belched a stream of magical flames, that somehow became a piece of paper.

 **Panty:** Thanks a bunch; Chuck!

With that, she snatched the paper out of the young dragon's hands, and swabbed out the remaining excrement from her bottom. There had been writing on the paper, but when she was done with it, nobody would have known.

 **Little Dragon:** Awwww; that was an important message from Princess Celestia! You ruined it with your feces! Also, my name's Spike!

 **Panty:** Rrrrrrriiiiight; you're not Chuck, but you relay messages like him! Well, send Princess O-Lustia an important message back, saying I thank her for the paper!

 **Spike:** B-b-but she—

Panty just grinned mischievously.

 **Panty:** Oh come now, Spike, you wouldn't want to be _rude_ to the Princess, would you?

Spike threw up his hands in resignation.

 **Spike:** Fine, I'll write the message to her. Should I mention what you did with the paper she sent?!

 **Panty:** Hey; why the fuck not?!

Just then, a random donkey showed up.

 **Random Donkey:** Pardon me, miss, but did you say something about wiping me?

* * *

Panty reentered the Carousel Boutique, noticing that Rarity had gone away for a moment, but another pony had entered; this one yellow with wings and long, pink hair.

 **Yellow Pony with Wings and Long, Pink Hair:** Hello there, Panty. My name is Fluttershy. Rarity has been telling me all about you.

 **Panty:** Well how 'bout that?! What she say?!

 **Fluttershy:** Some things about…"fucking". I'm sorry to say but I don't quite understand them.

 **Panty:** I'm sensing a pattern here. 'Kay look; it's basically when some guy grabs you and goes "Huh, huh, huh!" in your hole. Usually this one:

She did three pelvic thrusts during that description, and then pointed at her vagina. Fluttershy chattered her teeth in response.

 **Fluttershy:** Oh dear! Such things are scary to me!

 **Panty:** Pbfpt! What _are_ you, ten?!

 **Fluttershy:** I think you are being rude, ma'am. I didn't do anything to deserve it; please stop.

 **Panty:** Don't push me, bitch; I was kind enough to teach you what fucking means, so have some fucking appreciation!

 **Fluttershy:** But I…oh dear!

Fluttershy seemed to have given up on convincing Panty of anything, and shrunk away, for a moment. Then, however, Panty went looking for Rarity.

 **Panty:** Hey Rarity, where'd you go? Any progress on my dress?

Pany then noticed what appeared to be her dress, almost if not totally complete. It looked good, but unfortunately, a white, fluffy cat was on top of it, shedding its dense fur onto he dress, while making stereotypical feline kneading motions, cutting into the dress with its sharp claws!

 **Panty:** Oh, fuck no! Get the fuck off my dress, you little shit!

She yanked the dress hard, sending the cat sailing through the air, to hit a wall!

 **Fluttershy:** [Long gasp!] Oh; now you've gone _too far_! How can you be so cruel to that poor thing?!

 **Panty:** That poor thing was tearing up my clothes! She needed a lesson!

Fluttershy was suddenly very angry. She pumped up, leaned towards Panty while looking her in the eyes, and yelled:

 **Fluttershy:** YOUUUUU…WILLLLLL…BEEEEEE…NIIIIIIIICE!

Panty leaned toward her in kind, with the same angry, wide eyes, and yelled back:

 **Panty:** YOUUUUUUU…FUUUCK…OOOFFFF!

 **Fluttershy:** IIIIIII…STILLLLL…don't know quite what that means!

Just then Panty seemed to be backing down, but also had a bit of a wicked grin.

 **Panty:** I see you've got wings, bitch, that mean you're an angel?

 **Fluttershy:** No! I _do_ own a bunny named Angel, but he's not really, and—

 **Panty:** -then it's fisting time!

Panty now revealed the _real_ reason she'd crouched a bit, as she pushed back up with her legs to swing a powerful uppercut straight into Fluttershy's jaw, knocking her head up and backwards! Panty continued with a hitch kick to Flutteshy's front legs, which destabilized the pony enough that she started to keel forward. Whether by accident or on purpose, Fluttershy used that opportunity to headbutt Panty in the breasts, which was both painful to her and knocked her down, but Panty took advantage of the momentum of her fall to swing a high kick into Fluttershy's face! The pony's jaw was now thoroughly bruised, and Panty, though she took a fall, righted herself and charged.

 **Panty:** I can do this all day, Miss Bipolar!

Fluttershy was charging, too, but this time, Panty grabbed hold of the pony's face and lifted her own legs up, shifting a lot of weight onto Fluttershy's head and neck. Fluttershy attempted to shake Panty off of her, but Panty had altered her grapple to take hold of Fluttershy's right ear in her left hand, and faced with the possibility of getting her ear torn off, Fluttershy stopped shaking and instead tried to think of a new tactic, while Panty used her free right arm to swing some haymakers to Fluttershy's left eye. Fluttershy slammed both of her front hoofs into Panty's stomach, and this _did_ finally cause Panty to let go of her and fall back.

Panty kneeled down again, this time covering her head up with her hands.

 **Panty:** Fine; I cave. You're too tough, bitch!

 **Fluttershy:** Good! Now please behave!

Fluttershy had once again done her bit with leaning forward and staring wide-eyed while saying this. Perhaps Panty had anticipated just that, because she thrusted her right hand in claw formation towards Fluttershy's eyes! Fluttershy closed them and lowered her head just in time.

 **Panty:** Psyche! I can't believe you fell for that twice, you fucking dumbass!

Panty took advantage of Fluttershy's closed eyes to swing a left hook to her right ear. While Fluttershy's ears were ringing in her head (well, one of them), Panty grappled her head again. This time, she also took it a step forward by wrapping her legs around Fluttershy's neck and squeezing!

 **Panty:** I'm feeling generous, so tap-out and I'll let you limp away from this!

Fluttershy did _not_ tap out; instead she flapped her wings and ascended, knocking Panty head-first into the ceiling. Panty let go, but managed to grab onto Fluttershy's front legs as she slipped. Panty had studied gymnastics when she was young, and thanks to her frequent pole-dancing, she remained fairly competent at grabbing and swinging on things, so she swung up her legs and smashed her stiletto tips into Fluttershy's lower abdomen.

Fluttershy cried out in obvious pain. She once again tried to shake Panty off, but Panty held tight and threw more kicks. Now, Fluttershy's strength was fading, and she saw no choice but to stop flapping and let both of them fall to the floor; since at least Panty would hit first.

They indeed fell, and Panty indeed hit the ground first, but she knew how to land, distributing her weight between her legs, and also releasing her grip on Fluttershy's hooves in time to wind up her right arm and hurl another uppercut into Fluttershy's chin. With Fluttershy's weight bearing down on her, Panty still got felt a shot of pain throughout her body, but Fluttershy got far worse. This time the uppercut knocked her head far back over her body, sending teeth and blood spewing from her mouth. The yellow pony crumpled over, out cold.

 **Panty:** Ding ding ding; bitch! The winner is Panty, by literal fucking knockout!

Driving this home further, she put her right foot up on the unconscious pony and made a "dusting off" gesture with her hands. Just then, Rarity walked in.

 **Rarity:** What was that dar—[Gasp! Yelling:] Oh, shit! What did you _do_?!

 **Panty:** I served some tough justice out to that bleeding-heart twat when she talked shit to me!

 **Rarity:** What in the world could she have said to warrant doing that?!

 **Panty:** She got all up in my cunt when I taught some naughty cat a lesson for scratching up that dress you made for me. Kickass job, incidentally!

 **Rarity:** Y-y-you—you _monster_! This is unacceptable!

 **Panty:** Quit bustin' your water; they'll be alright! Everyone else I've beaten up like that has!

 **Rarity:** THAT IS NOT THE _POINT_!

 **Panty:** So tell me then, what the fuck _is_ the point?

 **Rarity:** Very well; let me put it in terms you'll understand…

Rarity's horn began glowing; magic emitting from it. Panty braced herself for another fight, but found herself in an unforeseen situation when she levitated off the floor; a surprise so offputting that she didn't even notice the same magic opening the door behind her.

 **Rarity:** …GET…THE _FUCK_ OUT OF MY HOUSE!

With that, Rarity's magic hurled Panty out of the door, and then closed it.

Panty sat on the ground, befuddled for a moment, then offered a weak response:

 **Panty:** Oh yeah?! Well; don't forget who taught you to cuss out people like that, you prim and pretentious pussy! I'm getting back to my quest to get drunk or laid; preferably both!

Panty started walking, nowhere in particular, before recent history dawned on her.

 **Panty:** I'm probably shit outta luck, aren't I?!

* * *

 **Is Panty truly shit outta luck, or will she succeed at her quest for liquor and sex? Will karma catch up with her? Will she discover the magic of friendship? Will there be more fights? Will Stocking get some attention? Tune in next time to find out!**


	4. Chapter 4

In the meantime, Stocking, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle were still talking about various adventures, values, and other things, like how much cooler of a pet Gummi was than Chuck. Then, there was another knock on the door, which Pinkie Pie answered.

 **Pinkie Pie:** Well, hello there, Spike!

Spike had a rather disturbed look on his face.

 **Spike:** Pinkie Pie, glad Twilight is with you, and…whoever you are.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Well, hello there, Spike! You look…troubled!

 **Stocking:** Whoa, a dragon! There's another pet that's cooler than Chuck! It can actually talk! Please tell me you can breathe fire!

 **Spike:** Sorta. Here's what's troubling me. I just met somebody who ruined a note from Princess Celestia by wiping her feces out of her anus with it. [Pointing at Stocking] She looked kind of like you, actually.

 **Stocking:** Except dressed a lot skankier, right?

 **Spike:** Dressed…how?

 **Stocking:** In other words, dressed…nope; I'm not going to explain it. Look; was she wearing _red_?

 **Spike:** Yup.

 **Stocking:** That's my sister, Panty.

 **Twilight:** Stocking, if you don't mind me mentioning it, your question as to whether your sister was "dressed a lot skankier" sounded rather…disparaging. Are you and your sister…not _friends_?

 **Stocking:** Meh; we get on alright. Sometimes.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** What about the other times?

 **Stocking:** Other times, things get bad. Let's just say, life with her is a double-edged sword. Sometimes literally.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I'm not sure what you mean by that.

 **Stocking:** Because once in a while I-wait; no; scratch that. Katanas only have one edge each. Bad pun.

 **Pinkie Pie:** What are katanas?

* * *

Panty huffed through Ponyville; muttering a bunch of clumsily-pronounced and questionably-placed swear words. She was still mad, but felt too defeated to shout anymore.

 **Panty:** Rgrgrgr; buncha saccharine candyland twats with fucking goody-two-shoes culture! I needa get naughty somehow!

 **Blue Pegasus Slightly Above Panty:** What's that? Life here gettin' too boring for you?

 **Panty:** Who the fuck are you and why are you eavesdropping?!

 **Blue Pegasus Slightly Above Panty:** The name's Rainbow Dash! You sounded like you're feeling pretty down, and I can relate to that! I mean; not totally, since I can just flap these powerful wings to ascend, but—

 **Panty:** Way to voice concern, you nosy dyke; why don't you just piss on me while flying to nail it home?!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Whoa; hold on there! I don't quite understand you, but I know an insult when I hear one!

 **Panty:** Yeah; I'm sure you _do_ , since you just got done spewing your "I can fly so my life's cooler than yours" shit!

This reined in Rainbow Dash's ego some, so she landed before continuing speaking

 **Rainbow Dash:** Fine; that wasn't cool of me, and I'm sorry. But really; if you find Ponyville a bit too tame, I can totally relate!

 **Panty:** I know, right? It's all sweets this, clothes that, friendly other thing! Can't a girl get a good drink or a good fu…sexual encounter, here?

 **Rainbow Dash:** Well, we could hit up a cider stand! Ponyville's cider really kicks butt in a way a lot of other stuff here doesn't!

 **Panty:** …That is…the most badass description of something I've heard since getting here, which isn't saying much, but what the fuck; let's go get that kickass cider!

 **Rainbow Dash:** You're on! So, I'm guessing "ass" means "butt"?

 **Panty:** "Butt" or "Donkey".

 **Rainbow Dash:** Wow; I think you just gave me some fun joke ideas!

 **Panty:** Lemme give you a warning, too, sis; that joke's gonna get old fast!

* * *

Rainbow Dash guided Panty to a kiosk set up near a dirt road at the edge of the town. It hardly had the atmosphere of the human taverns Panty liked to visit, since there was no roof and only very limited walls, and the patrons themselves were just mulling around outside. However, there _was_ , in fact, a bar atop the front wall; better still, there was a big barrel on that bar with a spigot in it, and a tan-orange pony with a blonde mane and a cowboy hat was working that spigot, draining frothy liquid out of it into large glasses, which various ponies around were purchasing very evidently enjoying. Seeing this familiar site was enough to make Panty grin.

 **Panty:** Wow; that actually looks kinda like some good shit!

 **Rainbow Dash:** So, I just remembered I haven't asked yet: What's shit? Does it mean cider?

 **Panty:** No, actually, shit literally…forget it; it's going to be too hard to explain.

 **Rainbow Dash:** I'm the coolest pony here; try me!

 **Panty:** Fine; tellyawhat: You buy me a bunch of glasses of that kickass cider, and then I explain what shit is. I'll even throw in lessons about fuck and piss and ass…oh wait; we covered ass. Cunt, then!

 **Rainbow Dash:** You're on, sister!

Rainbow Dash then tapped Panty's hand with her hoof. It took a while for Panty to figure out what that was.

 **Panty:** …Ponies _do_ that?

 **Rainbow Dash:** Us _cool_ ponies do!

 **Tan-Orange Pony with a Blonde Mane and Cowboy Hat Working the Spigot:** Darn tootin' we do; Rainbow! I see ya've brought a funny lookin' friend!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Yeah; this is…oh, horse apples; I forgot to ask your name!

 **Panty:** It's Panty. Now who's the hatted hick horse?

 **Rainbow Dash:** That's Applejack, and she's the one who will help fill you up with kickass cider!

Rainbow Dash seemed pleased to have appropriated this new word and phrase.

 **Applejack:** What does kicking donkeys hafta do with it?

 **Panty:** Aaaaand it begins. Hurry up and get me some cider before I get annoyed!

Rainbow Dash did so, getting Panty several glasses; one of which Panty just chugged down in a quick series of gulps.

 **Panty:** …tastes like applesauce. I'm not feeling anything yet, but the night is young, so here comes your vocab schooling! All you other ponies can listen in, because the sooner you all know more words; the sooner I can say things again without worrying if you know what the fuck I'm talking about!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Start with shit, though.

 **Panty:** Right, so lit—Buuuurrrrrrrrp!

 **Applejack:** Nice one!

 **Panty:** You helped make it happen! Anyway, shit literally is this:

Panty did a semi squat and blew raspberry.

 **Panty:** Meaning, shit is the stuff that comes out of your a—butt when you do that, or as Rainbow here called it, horse apples, but also doing that is called shitting. So when you've eaten a lot and it's almost all through you, you squat down or sit on a toilet, and you shit out some shit! Sometimes you shit out a _bunch of_ shit! Also called "taking a shit"!

 **Random Geeky Pony:** Can you also call it "shitting a take"?

 **Panty:** No; I've never heard that one, and I've been around!

 **Rainbow Dash:** So, how does that lead to calling the Apple Family's cider "good shit"?

A lot of ponies muttered in befuddlement.

 **Applejack:** Yeah; that's…is it a _compliment_?!

 **Panty:** Actually yeah, because you see…okay; I admit: I'm not totally sure on this, but how I think it went down is, there's this plant called marijuana, among other names. It is fun to smoke—that means lighting it on fire and inhaling the fumes it makes—but you can eat it as well; either way it makes you feel really good and see things in all new fun ways if you take enough of it! But some…jerks decided they should make it against the rules, so people had to just smuggle it around, and to prevent the popos from knowing about it they couldn't call it marijuana, so they just started calling it shit, because who'd want to smoke or eat shit? Okay; some people, but not most, so anyway, people started using that word for marijuana, and if they took a dr— _inhaled_ it and liked it, they'd say stuff like, "Wow; that's some good shit!" Then later on, it started getting applied to all sorts of things people think are good!

 **Applejack:** So what ya're sayin' is, my cider is this marijuana stuff?

 **Panty:** Erm, no. I mean, maybe, but I doubt it, but Imma keep drinkin' it to see if it ever fucks me up!

She took a swig from her second glass of cider, and then continued.

 **Panty:** So, that brings us to _Lesson Two: Fuck_! So as you probably know, both our types of creatures, between their legs, females have something a bit like this:

She joined the tips of her left thumb and left index finger, to form a cavity and the "OK sign".

 **Panty:** …and males have something a bit like this:

She stuck out her right middle finger in the "fuck you" pose.

 **Panty:** …and males and females can do this with their things:

She inserted her right middle finger into the cavity formed by her left hand, and made facial expressions and gasps akin to those made during sexual intercourse.

 **Panty:** …and that's called fucking, as in, I, Panty, fuck so many men that it's hard for me not to say fuck all the time! Luckily, the word is flexible! For example, fucking is usually great, but if you want to say you don't like something, like say, a rule, you can say "Fuck that rule" and people will understand it's not sexual! Also, to insult someone, you can say "Fuck you," and they'll know it was an insult; not an invitations! " _I want to_ fuck you" is an invitation to sex, though, so be careful! So anyway, "fucking" can also be used to describe something, as in, "this fucking cider hasn't gotten me drunk yet!" That means…I'm not sure, but it feels good to say, so say that shit! "Shit" can mean "thing"; I forgot to mention that". But anyway, throw "fucking" in front of an adjective, and it can mean "really"! As in "That marijuana I bought from Jose was some fucking great shit!" You folks catching on?!

 **Applejack:** I _think_ we're fucking catching on!

Panty gave the thumbs up.

 **Panty:** Great job proving you're fucking catching on!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Hey Panty; where can _we_ get some of that "fucking great shit"? Marijuana, I mean.

 **Panty:** In _this_ world? Sorry, but fuck if I know!

The ponies had a blank stare.

 **Panty:** In that case it means…yeah, no; I think that's just another one of those "fuck feels great to say" moments. Feels even greater to _do_ , though. Heyo!

 **Rainbow Dash:** No argument from this pony!

 **Applejack:** Me neither!

 **Random Geeky Pony:** What does heyo mean, then?

 **Panty:** Something like "I made a clever and mischievous statement"; I think. Actually; that one's vague; too! Look; I'm not a schoolteacher, so cut me so—don't bother me with too many hard questions, okay?!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Fair enough, but you promised you'd explain piss to us!

 **Panty:** That one's easy! Remember how explained females have parts like this in front between their legs, and males have parts like this?

She made the fitting hand gestures again, and the ponies nodded.

 **Panty:** Piss is that liquid that comes out of those parts, that just smells nasty and is sometimes yellow and gets rid of stuff you don't need. And someone called Rarity told me you girl ponies also use it to sexually arouse guy ponies! I myself think that's fucking gross!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Do you _also_ think it's gross fucking?

Panty raised her brows, and then grinned.

 **Panty:** Nice one, Rainbow; hoofbump for you!

Panty did, in fact, hoof-bump Rainbow Dash. Or, she at least bumped Rainbow's hoof with her hand.

 **Rainbow Dash:** So now we're at "gunt", right?

Panty made the female part hand sign again.

 **Panty:** It's "cunt". A cunt is that part of a female that sprays piss and gets fucked! Also called a pussy!

 **Applejack:** Like a kittycat, ya mean?

 **Panty:** Right, but we've got more uses, too! A cunt can also be a really nasty woman!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Can a pussy be that, too?

 **Panty:** Nah; a pussy is more like you'd call a cowardly, whiny type; like this really obnoxious female pony I beat up earlier today, though it's not always a female! See, the way these things work is kinda random and you've just gotta learn it and—

 **Rainbow Dash:** Wait; hold on! Who was this "really obnoxious female pony" you beat up earlier today?

 **Panty:** Hmm... _Fucker_ something? No; it wouldn't have been that. Well, her name started with F, and she was yellow.

 **Applejack:** D'ya mean _Fluttershy_?! Ya beat up _Fluttershy_?!

 **Panty:** That's it; thanks a bunch! Fancy this; she was a pussy defending a pussycat! I was over at Rarity's, since she was making a dress for me, and Fluttershy was over there, too. She and I talked a bit, and then I saw this obnoxious white Fluffball of a cat scratching up my new dress, so I yanked it away, and then Fluttershy tried to defend the cunt, and so I beat the shit out of her!

 **Rainbow Dash:** ** _WWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAT_**?!

 **Panty:** Well okay; not literally. I guess I missed explaining that shit-based expression to you, but I still knocked her right out!

 **Rainbow Dash:** To think we hoof-bumped twice! I thought I'd made an awesome friend, but you aren't even worth being a mediocre friend!

 **Panty:** Well, I can to friends who aren't fucking lame! You're fucking awesome, and Applejack there seems—

 **Rainbow Dash:** Save it! I've been in this situation before, and I want nothing to do with friends who torment my other friends; let alone beat the shit out of them!

 **Panty:** Well then, are you about to avenge the little pussy?!

Panty cocked her fists as she asked the question.

 **Rainbow Dash:** Ha! As if I would lower myself to _your_ level and bully my physical inferiors! If I ever wanted to do that I'd be bullying for years on end!

 **Panty:** You've got some fucking awesome swagger! You sure we can't be friends?!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Don't like my answer? Then you shouldn't have helped me form it! Now excuse me, while I clean your germs off of my hoofs—

Rainbow dash spat on her hoofs, rubbed them together, and then rubbed them off in the sand.

 **Rainbow Dash:** -And go see my _real_ friend, Fluttershy! Oh, and before I forget: Fuck you, cunt!

 **Panty:** …likewise.

Rainbow Dash then took off flying in the direction of . Panty started feeling down over this, but she abided by a headstrong ethos; whenever you start getting sad, get _mad_ instead. Or drunk. She would attempt both.

 **Panty:** Oh yeah; well I don't need you, _or_ Fuckershit, or Rarity or Pussy Pie, or that fucking cat or that dragon! I've been here less than a day with all you squares, and I don't plan on staying; I'll go back to where people understand me and fuck me and hang with me and…aw fuck; who the fuck am I kidding?! My big fat fucking foul mouth fucked me over, and it's gonna keep doing it! Good thing I have a really smoking hot body to even shit out. So Imma solve this fuck-up the way I always do: Drink all of my rounds, until even horses look hot!

Panty didn't realize that a lot of ponies had fled the sort-of tavern as opposed to listen to her loud and vulgar rant. Others were watching, listening, and despite Panty teaching them some earlier, failing to understand much of it. Panty just focused on glugging down the rest of her glasses of cider. The dense and foamy liquid tingled on the way down and filled her belly up, until there was so much of it in her that she started to feel sick. Panty wondered if this was the effect of strong liquor. All the while, Applejack was eying her with a look of scorn and suspicion.

 **Applejack:** I'da maybe asked ya ta leave this apple stand, but maybe ya'll buy more cider!

 **Panty:** Well actually, I have—Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

A white, muscular Pegasus with tiny wings, who had just come to the taverm, started roaring with laughter at this before Panty's mouth had even closed again.

 **Applejack:** I wish _I_ could praise that one, too, but you ain't worth it.

Panty ignored her and focused on the white, muscular Pegasus with tiny wings.

 **Panty:** Well, hey, Big Boy. I haven't seen you around here before, and I think I should get to know you better!

 **White, Muscular Pegasus with Tiny Wings:** Yeaaaaaaahuh!

Panty scratched him behind the ears with her left hand, and massaged his muscular chest with her right.

 **Panty:** My name is Panty; like the garment I wanna drop real soon for you!

 **White, Muscular Pegasus with Tiny Wings:** Yea—wait; like _what_?! Anyway, I'm Bulk Biceps!

 **Panty:** More like Bulk _everything_!

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeaaaaaaaahuh!

Panty batted her eyelashes while opening her mouth and rubbing her tongue over her teeth.

 **Panty:** I think I want a demonstration of everything bulky in you…

Bulk's response to this was to do various statuesque poses to accentuate various muscle groups, inadvertently clonking another patron in the head with his expanding buttocks.

 **Panty:** Bravo, you fab bucking bronco! What say we go somewhere and I make you a fab _fucking_ bronco?!

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yea—wait; fab _what_?

Panty hoisted herself up onto his back, rubbing his sides with her thighs, while hugging his neck.

 **Panty:** I want to ride you back to your place, Bulk! And then _at_ your place, we can ride _another_ way; if you know what I mean…

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeaaaaaaaaaahuh!

Bulk thus galloped away with Panty holding on and giggling.

 **Applejack:** I ain't convinced he's got _any_ idea what she means!

* * *

 **The plot thickens! Will anything else thicken?! Find out next time!**


	5. Chapter 5

Stocking was still more-or-less hitting it off with Pinky Pie. She was more questionable to Twilight Sparkle, who remained rather perplexed by how this girl looked more like her acted more like Pinky Pie. Not in all ways, though. Stocking loved sweets, like Pinky Pie, but she was softer spoken, sometimes approaching Fluttershy levels, and based on the ways she talked about her adventures in the past with her sister, she also had something of Rainbow Dash's no-nonsense fighting spirit. Some people Twilight had listened to talk about their adventures, came off as boasting about their bravery and talent; possibly _lying_ about it. Stocking did not assume a boastful tone, though, and based on her demonstrations, she really did know how to wield weapons with immense speed and skill—or other things somewhat like weapons.

For Pinky Pie, a normal day at work consisted of baking up a lot of sweet treats, while singing and dancing and juggling and doing any other things that would make her work more like play. Stocking had agreed to go to work for Pinky Pie during her stay in Ponyville, and it meant she got to utilize her _own_ talents and interests in helping to make sweets. She took some beaters and slammed and spun them into some dough with a speed Twilight had never seen before, and with very little sacrifice of precision, too! Then, when the dough had the right consistency to be formed cut up into pieces, Stocking took a knife and hacked it up, quickly and neatly. Her face took on a look of stern determination when she did it, Twilight noticed; far from the normal pleasant expression she wore. Stocking's legs also took on a more flexible stance while wielding her kitchen utensils. As Twilight watched, Spike tapped her and whispered.

 **Spike:** I'd hate to get on her bad side.

Twilight nodded.

 **Twilight:** I was thinking that, as well. I know it's just dough, but I am guessing those monsters she said she fought were a lot tougher than dough.

 **Spike:** Many, yes. Although with how wacky she describes her life as being, I wouldn't be surprised if she also fought a monster actually made of dough!

 **Pinky Pie:** Why, what are _delightful idea_! Hey Stocking, you should hear it too! How about for our dinner tonight, we make a monster out of dough?! And then, we'll defeat it—by _eating_ it!

 **Stocking:** Um…why a monster?

 **Pinky Pie:** Maybe Twilight here could even do a spell to animate it, so we have a really cool battle and _then_ we eat it!

 **Spike:** I don't know; that sounds kind of…dark.

 **Stocking:** I kind of like the idea. Not sure you people are up to the challenge of battle, though.

 **Twilight:** Well, you can stop this conversation, because there isn't a spell to bring life to dough…that I know of. Because honestly, I never really thought to look such things up!

 **Stocking:** Still, I'm kind of into macabre art—and obviously fine cuisine. How about we _do_ conceive of some nasty-looking creature, make some fine meal to look like it, and eat it?

 **Twilight:** …alright; it's weird, but his might actually be fun! I've seen my share of monsters, and read about more in books!

 **Stocking:** I've seen lots of Tim Burton movies, and fought a bunch of monsters, too, so I know all about designing such things. I think it should be…black with red stripes! Running down it diagonally; kind of like an evil barber pole!

 **Twilight:** I think it should have three heads…on long necks. Make one of them like a snake—no; that's too typical. How about make one of their heads like a shark's, another like hyena's, and, um—

 **Pinky:** Oooh; me! Me!

 **Twilight:** You want one of the heads to be yours?

 **Pinky:** No; I just had the fun fun _fun_ idea of making it a gopher head!

 **Twilight:** A _gopher_ head?

 **Stocking:** I'm good with that; gophers are ugly! Also, I think our pastry monster should have some big boobies. Make them look like they're lactating if possible!

The ponies stared at her. She touched her breasts to aid explanation.

 **Stocking:** Boobies are these things, with nipples on them.

 **Twilight:** …Yesss, your statement about lactating made me guess that. I don't know exactly why you'd want that, but as you are our guest, we will oblige you! I must ask one thing, though: We notice you have your…boobies on your chest. We ponies have them nearer to our groins. So which place should our pastry monster have them?

 **Stocking:** Honest, I know horses are like that, but for me it's hard to see anything dangling between the legs and—I mean, by the _back_ legs, and not think of it like a penis. So…wait; what if we gave our monster big boobies on its chest, _and_ a penis down in its groin!

 **Pinky Pie:** Heeheeehee; you're funny, Stocking! But we can get funnier; let's also put some nipples in really weird places on its body, like maybe on its sides and on its back!

 **Stocking:** I like that idea, but in addition, let's also give it some tentacles that have extra penises at the end of them!

This got both Pinky and Stocking laughing at the idea, while Twilight and Spike just looked bewildered. Stocking glared at them, and so they switched their nervous expressions to nervous grins, and soon work began on the mixing up the dough. They also got all other ingredients; cherry frosting for red stripes, whipped cream for the lactating teats, literal nuts for the figurative nuts on the peanuts, various fruits for the eyes of the heads, and whatever could color the beast's doughy skin black. [Note: I'm not a cooking expert; please don't get on me for not knowing this.]

They spent a substantial time shaping it all up into the four-legged, three-headed, two-tentacled, multi-penised and multi-breasted monstrosity they had conceived of before it was finally in shape to bake it. This took a while, given its strange shape, and when it was finally done, Stocking took the honor of getting a potholder and pulling their work out; having prehensile appendages helped a lot in these scenarios. She set the pan down on the table, causing the monster's main (normally-placed) penis to fall off. The entire group, even Twilight Sparkle, erupted into laughter over this. They even got out a camera to immortalize the moment, although it seemed far more primitive than the sorts of cameras Stocking was used to seeing.

Some time after eating up some of the pastry monster, Pinky Pie brought up an incident from their earlier baking adventures.

 **Pinky Pie:** You know; your sister never came back with punch!

 **Stocking:** Eh; that's okay with me. I need breaks from Panty, and hanging out with you is more fun anyway. A part of me almost feels like staying here.

 **Pinky Pie:** Would Panty want to stay here, too?

 **Stocking:** No; I'm guessing it wouldn't suit her…unique interests well.

 **Spike:** She's…quite a character, based on my short encounter with her. It's not like I can really judge someone based only on her snatching a paper without asking about it and using it to wipe her feces up, but I—

 **Stocking:** - _I_ would judge someone based on that, and trust me; that _is_ the type of person she is; constantly. She's after cheap laughs and thrills above all else. Of course, scatological jokes aren't her favorite things ever; that would be sexual intercourse, and lots of it.

 **Twilight:** She sounds like quite a troubled individual who needs help. But if you consider yourself a good sister, you should go find her and make sure she's okay.

 **Stocking:** Fine; I'll go looking for the old load tomorrow morning, since she probably won't be okay in this world for very long!

 **Pinky Pie:** Yep, 'cuz I can't imagine she'd start considering having sexual intercourse with ponies!

* * *

As it happened, it didn't take very long for Stocking to track down Panty the next morning, or for Pinky Pie's imagination to be broadened. Fairly early, Spike coughed up a letter from Princess Celestia (Prompting Stocking to remark on his similarity to Chuck; just as Panty had before), and read its contents; which were wholly devoted to Panty causing havoc throughout town.

Soon after Spike replied to Princess Celestia the previous day, detailing how Panty had wiped her bottom with the one Celestia sent, the princess had dispatched some of her agents to investigate Ponyville, and they collected an alarming array of stories, which Celestia in turn summarized in her letter. Panty had apparently bombarded café workers with bizarre language and threats, beaten up a Pegasus pony in Rarity's Carousel Boutique, tried to give ponies at an apple stand a lesson in using her language, and was last seen leaving the scene with a male pony named Bulk Biceps; presumably with the intention of having sex with him. The letter also acknowledged Stocking's presence—though not her name—and correctly presumed she was related to Panty. Based on how it ended, the police were advising Stocking to come join them, so they could apprehend Panty together, and so Stocking agreed; they joined with police ponies at the station, and these ponies in turn guided Stocking, Pinky Pie, Twilight Sparkle and Spike to the home of Bulk Biceps.

One of the policeponies got onto a megaphone.

 **The Policepony on the Megaphone:** This is the police, in search of visiting creature known as Panty! We have reason to believe you are in this house, and wish for you to come out without a struggle. Your sister is here for you, and she has promised to help clear this all up. We repeat, come out, or else we will come in!

Surprisingly, Panty _did_ come out of the door; looking more annoyed than combative, and unkempt even by her morning standards.

 **Panty:** Well good morning to you too; all you nosy neighbors!

 **Pinky Pie:** Ooh; was that a horse joke?! Let me get my drums!

She did, in fact, get her drums.

 **Twilight:** This is serious, Pinky Pie; we're talking to a wanted criminal!

 **Panty:** And right after a really humiliating moment, too; so don't fu—test my patience!

 **Stocking:** Yes; I am guessing it _would_ be pretty humiliating for the police to catch you having sex with a pony!

 **Panty:** Jokes on you peeps; there _was_ no sex. This Bulk Biceps guy couldn't fuck to save his own life, even after I gave him all the muscle massage tricks I know! I'm pretty sure I've fucked a dead guy who could get harder!

 **The Policepony on the Megaphone:** Bulk Biceps, are you still in there?

He didn't waste any time charging through the doorway.

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeeeeeaaaaaahuhh!

 **The Policepony on the Megaphone:** Is what this young lady said accurate?

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeeeeeaaaaaahuhhhh!

Stocking had quickly gotten amused.

 **Stocking:** Hahaha; this is him, Panty?! It figures!

 **Panty:** Hey; I had a long and annoying day, and lots of cider; throw me a fucking bone!

 **Stocking:** Cider? What type of cider?

 **Panty:** Let's just assume it got me drunk, to explain why I didn't read Bulk's tiny wings as an ill omen of things to come!

 **Stocking:** _I'd_ say they were more an ill omen of things that _failed to_ come!

Pinky Pie made a classic comedic "Ba-dum tish!" lick on her drums.

 **Panty:** …alright; credit where due for a good joke.

 **Pinky Pie:** Actually; I'm not sure I _get_ it!

 **Spike:** Was it related to sexual intercourse?

 **Stocking:** Isn't _everything_ with her?!

 **Bulk Biceps:** Aw; must you make fun of me?! I'm sensitive!

 **Panty:** Well maybe you wouldn't so butthurt about this shit if you actually looked your weaknesses in the face and worked at fixing them, instead of just projecting this macho guise!

 **Twilight:** Wow; that was a surprisingly mature and insightful comment, Panty!

 **Panty:** "Surprising?!" What the fuck are you implying about me?!

 **Spike:** Geez; why can't you just say "Thanks"?

 **Rarity:** Because she's a _mmmonster!_

Much of the crowd hadn't realized Rarity had come to join them.

 **Panty:** Well hi; Rarity!

 **Rarity:** Don't you _dare_ try to be friendly now! Fluttershy is _still recovering_ from your assault on her, and it is probably only through sheer _luck_ that it wasn't me you assaulted!

 **Panty:** Well now; you already told me "Get the fuck out" and chucked me out the door, so why come now to bitch some more?!

 **Rarity:** To make everyone else here aware of what a vile brute you are!

 **Panty:** Well, we've all got haters.

 **Rainbow Dash:** But your hatedom's _expanding_ ; jerk!

She had just flown in, too. Clearly, Panty was the talk of the town, to the extent that her whereabouts were easy for anyone to track.

 **Rainbow Dash:** It stinks, because in some ways, you seem pretty awesome, but you're too jerky to be worth getting attached to, and all of Ponyville knows it now!

 **Panty:** Yeah, well; I ain't sticking around here; just send me back to my world, and all your nightmares will be over.

 **Police Pony:** Not so fast; you here need to answer for your crimes you committed here. You may think we're all soft, but we have our ways of handling crooks here in Equestria!

Just then, a magical beam stuck the Police Pony, sending her flying.

 **Source of Beam:** Yeah, right! You're all pathetic ninnies, and now I shall rub it in!

Just about everyone looked in the direction of that voice.

 **Twilight:** You...!

* * *

 **Who could have shot the Police Pony with a magical beam?! Find out next time, as another fight breaks out!**


	6. Chapter 6

Standing maybe five meters from the magically-blasted Police Pony stood her attacker; a stocky and unicorn pony with shaggy black fur, somewhat oversized hooves and a horn that looked a bit more like that of a rhinoceros, grinning an evil grin.

 **Rainbow Dash:** Black Buck! Back for another round, eh?!

 **Black Buck:** You might say that! But this time, I've acquired some all new power; now everypony shall witness it!

Just then, Bulk Biceps stomped towards him menacingly, flexing his muscles and glaring.

 **Bulk Biceps:** Power?! _I am_ power; ya little punk! So stand down, or things will get nasty!

 **Black Buck:** Very well then!

A dark purple magical aura began emitting from Black Buck's horn, and it soon enveloped the rest of his body, while his eyes glowed a menacing red. Black Buck's body began to grow, rapidly, and not just grow, but also change shape. He grew muscles on par with those of Bulk Biceps in definition, but with his expanding body they were not so comparatively large as to impede movement. Moreover, his mane began to form into strands that moved a bit, like fledgling tentacles. With a nervous gulp, Bulk Biceps fled the scene, revealing that his impotence wasn't the only flaw in his macho cred. Meanwhile, Black Buck continued to grow until he was at least seven meters tall!

 **Twilight:** Stop this, Buck; be reasonable! We were making such great progress teaching you how wonderful it is to have friends! We've all been dedicated to helping you, ever since you told us how cruel your parents were!

 **Black Buck:** And how naïve of you to believe that sob story about my troubled childhood! Here's the truth, you sappy chumps; I was born with the devil in me! I can no more help being bad than help getting erections when a mare—

Blam, blam, blam, blam! Panty had transformed her panties into her dual pistols, and unloaded a series of rounds into Black Buck's face, but without much apparent effect.

 **Panty:** What the fuck! My guns are supposed to damage demonic entities!

 **Black Buck:** That was just an expression, you stupid girl!

 **Panty:** Grrrreat; slang's been fucking me over since I got here!

Black Buck then moved to retaliate against Panty, lunging toward her and attempting to stomp on her. She had run out of options for fighting this sort of menace, so she just ran and hid. Meanwhile, Stocking had made a tactical retreat into a nearby building, in search of sharp objects to serve as improvised weapons and a way to get on top of Black Buck. Then, as he began a rampage, slamming his hoofs into various buildings, suddenly Rainbow Dash, who had flown up into the air while he was distracted, dived back down and punched him in the nose.

 **Rainbow Dash:** You've given us full license to beat you down with no mercy, so let's dance!

Her punch caused Black Buck to cry out in pain, and drew blood, but he was still standing. Rainbow Dash, having gotten his attention, began to fly around him to distract him, occasionally punching him in the face again. However, Black Buck's mane tentacles, now fully livened, began reaching out to swat her, or potentially even grab her!

* * *

While this was going on, Panty had bunkered down in a building she'd thought was a safe distance away. Shortly after she'd entered, she was somewhat surprised to bump into Bulk Biceps, who wasn't just hiding out in there, but huddling down and curling into the smallest size he could—which wasn't much.

 **Panty:** Fancy running into you here, "Bulk Baby!"

 **Bulk Biceps:** Quiet you hypocrite! I bet you've come to hide, too, so just hide!

 **Panty:** Well; I _did_ try to hurt him, but I couldn't, so I'm getting the fuck out of this mess and going back to where I can actually do what I'm good at.

 **Bulk Biceps:** You sound better off than I am. When I saw Black Buck cast his spell to grow all of those muscles fast, I thought "What's the point? Why even do hard work to get buff when someone shows you up like that?"

 **Panty:** Oh; don't play that shit! We both know after last night you didn't get buff on just hard work!

 **Bulk Biceps:** Oh sure; make me feel even worse!

Just then, Black Buck's right front leg smashed through a large portion of the building above their heads! Panty glanced up and saw Black Buck attempting to catch Rainbow Dash with his mane-strand-tentacles, as she combatted him in a hit and run manner. Panty leaped onto Bulk's back.

 **Panty:** Shit! Let's retreat again!

Bulk complied, galloping out the back door and weaving his way between the adjacent buildings. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash attempted to lead Black Buck away from the buildings, striking him on the side to get him to turn around. He did, but while she paused to get his attention, one of his tentacles finally ensnared her, and began tightening! Rainbow Dash attempted to wrestle out, but she was losing. She thus cried out in censure:

 **Rainbow Dash:** Fuck you; you big bully! Fuck you in the ass! Fuck your _mother_ in the ass! You'll never fucking get away with this shit!

The cry caused a Black Buck to hesitate a bit, but not quite enough to turn things around in Rainbow Dash's favor…but something else happened. The sound of Rainbow Dash cussing out Black Buck reached Panty's ears and touched a nerve. She looked back at the sight of Black Buck constricting poor Rainbow Dash, also noticing Rarity attempting to halt his assault by zapping him with magic beams from her own horn, and abruptly yanked Bulk's mane back and to the right.

 **Bulk Biceps:** What are you doing?!

 **Panty:** I can't leave a kindred spirit like that! New plan!

 **Bulk Biceps:** What's that?!

 **Panty:** Look over there!

Bulk looked over at Black Buck, his back now turned to them, and quickly saw what Panty was almost certainly talking about. As it turned out, muscles weren't the _only_ manly thing of Black Buck's that had expanded when he enchanted himself—he had also grown a freakishly oversized, swollen scrotum. Panty loosened her grasp on Bulk and told him her plans.

 **Panty:** There's our target. We know you can't fuck me, but think you can buck me?!

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhuuuuuhhhh!

Even while uttering his Lil' Jon-esque catchphrase, Bulk Biceps threw all of his weight and muscle into hurling Panty forward towards Black Buck's big balls. Panty twisted in midair, swinging her leg forward, and kicking the balls with her hard stiletto shoe!

* * *

Black Buck let out a roar of pain, letting go of Rainbow Dash and turning around to retaliate against Panty and Bulk Biceps. Rarity jumped out of the way, while Panty and Bulk Biceps each retreated in opposite directions. However, being able to help deal a blow against Black Buck had given Bulk Biceps some near courage, so he merely snuck around the backs of buildings, and then approached Black Buck again from a new angle, in the process encountering Rarity.

 **Rarity:** I must say, that Panty can be very cruel, but she has some good ideas.

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeeeeeaaaaahhhuhhh!

 **Rarity:** Think you could buck me at him, too?

 **Bulk Biceps:** Yeeeeaaaaahhhhuuhhhh!

Rarity jumped onto Bulk's back, and he quickly bucked her off again, sending her flying towards Black Buck's ball sac, the way he had Panty. Panty had collided foot-first, but Rarity had realized she could do something more brutal, and thus drove in her horn. The shriek Black Buck let out shook walls and broke some windows! Rarity fell out again, but blood soon began spilling out after her. A smart pony would have sought medical attention about then, but Black Buck pressed on with his rampage. Then, Stocking leaped out of an upper story window with what looked like a machete, and cut a gash in Black Buck's side! He barely noticed in light of his balls already bleeding, but every little bit helped!

 **Stocking:** Sorry I'm late; guys! It's not easy to find good weapons in this town!

Pinky Pie, who had stayed fairly near to her new friend, Stocking, heard this comment and got an idea. She knew that Stocking was talking about melee weapons, but she knew of other sorts…and thus took off to find Panty.

* * *

Just like Bulk Biceps, Panty had stayed fairly nearby this time. She didn't know what other opportunities she'd get to deal a blow against Black Buck, but she had no more intention of abandoning Rainbow Dash. She dodged through what passed for alleys in Ponyville, looking in various directions to try to spot her again, but instead, she suddenly ran into Pinky Pie.

 **Pinky Pie:** Oh neato, I found you; Panty! Seems you're good at aiming and shooting things!

 **Panty:** Fuck yeah; I am, but how's it gonna help now?

 **Pinky Pie:** Listen up; I always keep various party cannons stashed around Ponyville, for when it's time to have fun time!

 **Panty:** Sounds sissy!

 **Pinky Pie:** Trust me; get on the cannon I hid over there, because it's got ammo that'll hurt if you can hit his eyes. Now I just need to get him into the right position!

 **Panty:** What the fuck; I guess it's worth a shot! I've got something to aid that grating voice!

At this moment in the battle, Stocking found herself alone against Black Buck. With her superb reflexes and his depleting stamina as a result of his bleeding balls, she expertly dodged all of his advances, even grandstanding with such graceful motions as cartwheels and pirouettes, but she couldn't quite find an opening to make another attack of her own yet. Then, she heard Pinky Pie's familiar and unique voice, yelling:

 **Pinky Pie:** Over here, you donkey-raping shit-eater!

Black Buck turned in Pinky's direction, beginning to respond.

 **Black Buck:** Hey; you leave my sex life—

His plea was cut short as Panty fired a perfectly-timed and perfectly-aimed volley of lemon-merengue pies straight into his menacing red eyes! He howled as they started to burn, and clenched them shut to try to halt the pain.

 **Pinky Pie:** Nice one, Panty!

 **Panty:** So wait; that insult _literally_ describes Buck's sex life?! No, fuck it; I don't even wanna know that shit!

 **Pinky Pie:** I need to go assemble with the other ponies! Help your sister fight him, and we'll be right back!

Panty did just that. At this point, Black Buck was still a menace, smashing into buildings with his size and strength, but his precision was slipping as he lost blood and his eyes burned. Stocking had gone from engaging in talented guerilla combat to taunting him into flailing around more-or-less haplessly.

 **Stocking:** So you've raped donkeys and have a skat fetish? Tell me more, Buck!

 **Panty:** No; please don't!

Black Buck went for Stocking's taunt, and lunged at her in full-force. He tried stomping on her, tried headbutting her and tried whipping his mane tentacles at her. Not only did all of these fail, but Stocking sliced a tentacle apart with her machete. Panty then realized that now that this battle had mostly descended into distraction and attrition, suddenly her guns actually served a purpose. Raining bullets onto Buck didn't hurt him, but it annoyed him and got his attention. When he turned around in an attempt to attack Panty, Stocking took the opportunity to rush his rear legs, and with a ferocious jumping overhead slice that looked straight out of a samurai film, she sliced down his right calf!

 **Panty:** You should've finished off his balls!

 **Stocking:** There is still time!

However, perhaps Stocking spoke too soon. As Black Buck was turning to face her again, a rainbow-shaped beam crashed into him and sent him flying a ways, knocking him down! Panty and Stocking looked towards the source of that beam, and there they beheld six of the ponies they had met; Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinky Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy. Black Buck, now unconscious, shrank down to his normal size and was promptly cuffed by police and attended to by medics.

* * *

 **Hooray; teamwork has saved the day! Our angelic antiheroines have had their differences with the ponies, but now it's all's well that ends well. Or _is it_! Could anything go bad at this point?! Tune in next time to see if there's any twist ending, in the exciting conclusion of _The Most Obvious Crossover Ever_!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Panty:** Well…shit! What the fuck was that?!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** That was the magic of friendship! When my friends and I utilize the Elements of Harmony and join together, our power becomes great enough to defeat any foe!

 **Panty:** Wow; that is _really_ fucking gay! No offense, Stocking; I know you swing that way sometimes! I'd say no offense to Garterbelt, too, but he's a pedo, so fuck him!

 **Stocking:** Nnnot if I can help it!

Panty fist-bumped her sister for that.

 **Panty:** Nice one! …But anyway, what I'm saying is we were on track to fuck Black Buck's shit right up with ball-busting, machete chopping, eye burning and who knows what other badass shit, and then you all came over with your gay-ass friendship rainbow and ruined it all!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Well, Panty, I think the important thing is, Black Buck has been vanquished and Ponyville has been saved!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Actually, there's more. You two helped us do it. Panty, with as much as you took a shit on our good vibes just now, maybe you're too dense to process this, but thanks for saving me. It's not everypony who'd stick her neck out for someone who'd rejected her friendship, and I've gotta say, also, your idea of attacking Black Buck's testicles was really fucking awesome!

 **Panty:** You're welcome! But hey; how can I refuse someone as…articulate as you?

 **Rainbow Dash:** Of course, I could probably have saved myself without your help!

 **Panty:** Oh yeah?! Well fuck you, too…friend.

 **Rarity:** Would you refer to me as your friend, too, Panty?

 **Panty:** Eh, why the fuck not; you fellow ball-buster, you!

 **Rarity:** And what about Fluttershy?

 **Panty:** Don't push it!

 **Stocking:** Well, while we're on this note, I salute my friend Pinky Pie for that cannon bit! I always thought you were pretty fun to be around, and by always I mean in the two days I've known you, but I didn't realize you could get badass and give my sister the idea of shooting someone right in the eye with citrus!

Just then, Black Buck came to, looking around with his still-sore eyes, and noticed he was cuffed.

 **Black Buck:** Whoa; what just happened?!

 **Rainbow Dash:** We kicked your ass is what just happened! I use that right, Panty?

 **Panty:** Yeah, except Stocking and I were who kicked his ass!

 **Applejack:** Oh, for cryin' out loud, Panty, just accept that kicking his ass was a team effort already!

 **Panty:** …Fine.

 **Black Buck:** So you've kicked my ass, which I'm going to assume means "scrotum" in this case. [Panty snickered.] What do you plan to do, now?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** We will continue your lessons. Black Buck, I know you have your dark sides; so do we all, but I'm confident we can still win you over once we show you just how magical friendship can really be.

 **Black Buck:** Really? Even after all I've done?

 **Twilight Sparke:** Absolutely. We live by a code of love and tolerance here!

 **Panty:** …Holy shit, Twilight. Speaking as someone who has also done shit that destroyed a bunch of buildings…, ARE YOU FUCKING _RETARDED_?!

Black Buck laughed.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Am I what?

 **Panty:** Seriously, forget gay; you've gone full retard! We already heard "Black Fuck" here say he lied and took advantage of your love and tolerance, then he turned when you weren't looking, and _now_ you want to try that shit _again_ and expect different shit to happen?! You're a cuck!

Black Buck was laughing hysterically by now. The police pony smacked him in the face, causing Fluttershy to wince, and then dragged him off.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** You are a very hard person to speak to, Panty. Stocking, I now know exactly what you were talking about when you complained about having to be her sister, and why you would rather stay with us.

Stocking moved closer to Panty in response.

 **Stocking:** No, Twilight. I'm sorry, but I agree with my sister on this one.

 **Pinky Pie:** [Gasp!] Stocking; how _could_ you?! I thought you were—

 **Stocking:** -cool? Fashionable? Courteous? I _am_ , but I'm nobody's fool!

Then, to the shock of some other ponies, Rainbow Dash also went and stood with Panty and Stocking.

 **Rainbow Dash:** Yeah; they've got a point, Twilight. When we've already seen this guy knows about our lenient policies and that he used them against us, trusting him again seems pretty derpy.

 **Fluttershy:** [Gasp!] Rainbow Dash; you know we don't use that word here!

 **Applejack:** Perhaps we should _start_ , 'cause your attitude _is_ mighty coddlin', Twilight! Yup; I'm with them.

She went and stood by Panty, Stocking and Rainbow Dash. Panty grinned.

 **Panty:** Well, then; anyone else for our faction?

The ponies hesitated. Then Rarity took a slight step forward, but no more.

 **Rarity:** If I may be perfectly honest, Panty, I share some of your sentiment. Sadly, after what you did to Opalescence and Fluttershy, I cannot in good conscience promote your views of what appropriate punishment may be.

 **Fluttershy:** _Thank you_ , Rarity! I'm glad you won't let this angry woman's radical ideas undermine our friendship!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Oh; fuck you, Fluttershy! We all remember how you were willing to throw out us faithful friends of yours when we were afraid of you taking a risk on reforming Discord!

 **Fluttershy:** But I was right, and I _did_ reform him!

 **Applejack:** 'til he _betrayed_ us again.

 **Fluttershy:** And then he _apologized._

 **Stocking:** Look lady; I'm not sure who Discord is, but it really does seem like you're too trusting.

 **Fluttershy:** No, I'm _not._ I know now that Discord is my friend, because…oh _de-e-ear_!

With that, Fluttershy ran off somewhere, sobbing loudly.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I think you need to leave now.

 **Rainbow Dash:** What, _all of us_ who think this?

 **Twilight Sparkle:** No; just Panty and Stocking. Listen, I am grateful to you for helping us defeat Black Buck, but now you are causing too much conflict, and therefor-.

 **Stocking:** Who's causing conflict? More like instructing you on keeping safe from Black Buck!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** THAT'S ENOUGH! I value hearing alternate perspectives, and we will take them into consideration, since my friends and I clearly don't all agree here, but we need to cool down, and I'm afraid we can't do that while you're here.

 **Stocking:** Or at least not while _Panty's_ here! [Panty glared at her] But I'll go with her, just… _where_?!

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I can cast a spell to open a portal to your world. Now go get See-Through.

* * *

The crowd made their way back to where See-Through was, with Rainbow Dash and Applejack staying closer to Panty and Stocking than to the other ponies. Rarity broke with them along the way. The two angel sisters didn't have much else of theirs here in Ponyville besides See-Through, so Panty got right into the driver's seat, but Stocking staid outside a bit longer to comfort Pinky Pie, who was beginning to cry.

 **Pinky Pie:** M-m-must you really leave, Stocking?

 **Stocking:** I think you _know_ that. This isn't our world, and our attitudes aren't popular here now. Honestly, we're all probably lucky I met you; some others here, I might have clashed with the same way Panty—well no; I wouldn't have been _that_ bad, but I'd—

 **Panty:** I can _hear you_ , bitch!

 **Stocking:** Well, am I _wrong_ about you reacting worse here?

 **Panty:** _Fuck no_ ; you're not! Hurry the fuck up with that big goodbye, so we can gun it outta here before I go apeshit!

 **Stocking:** Well anyway, the point is, I think it's best that we say goodbye. You and I bonded over sweets; let's go out on that good note before something ruins that.

 **Pinky Pie:** Will we ever see you again?

 **Stocking:** …I don't know. But just try to think positive, and you'll see me again every time you see a cake!

 **Pinky Pie:** Or boobies?

Stocking grinned.

 **Stocking:** Sure; take of me when you think of boobies!

Pinky Pie managed to smile back, even though she was still in tears. Stocking even hugged her.

 **Pinky Pie:** Well, goodbye, then, Stocking. You may say we don't really have lots in alike, but the time we had was super-duper neat.

 **Panty:** And I'm super-duper impatient! Can we go yet?!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Wait, no; Panty? I'm not gonna give you any sobbing, but whatever's up with you, I'll make sure to keep in mind what you said. If you _ever do_ come back here, don't be surprised if we've changed some things to be more to your liking!

 **Panty:** Well, thanks, Dashy! I can't say I'll ever prefer to fuck ponies, but if can manage to brew up some straight-up real booze, I'm game! Oh, and tell Bulk Biceps to kick his drug habit, too!

 **Rainbow Dash:** Will do! Ciao, pal!

Then, Rainbow Dash came up, levitating a familiar object with her magical horn.

 **Rarity:** I came here to see you off, too, Panty! I still don't know quite how to regard you, but for all you've done, I believe you at least deserve to have the dress I made you.

She placed the black, rose-patterned, sexy dress in the back of See-Through.

 **Panty:** Kickass! I dunno how I feel about you yet, either, but I'll be sure to wear it when I wanna seduce some hotty to fuck! I bet I'll even be able to find a more competent guy than Bunk Biceps! Bye for now!

 **Rarity:** Good bye, and good…fuck!

Panty laughed.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** I am ready to send you home, then, if you are.

Panty gave her the thumbs up, and Stocking nodded.

 **Panty:** That meant alright, from me. Just wanna say, 'cause some places, it means "Fuck you!" We're ready!

Twilight's horn began to radiate with magic.

 **Twilight Sparkle:** Very good! Then without further ado: Link me to the realm, where heroes fight their foes, with the powers of garments worn under their clothes!

Her horn once again shot a magical beam out, to create a warp portal near to the front of See-Through. Panty, who had already revved up See-Through, hit the gas and made the Hummer barrel through it. Twilight closed the portal soon after.

Then, Fluttershy approached Rarity, having noticed the two angels have left.

 **Fluttershy:** Oh, thank you, Rarity, for being brave enough to confront Panty and give her that dress! How long do you think it will be until she realizes we both urinated on it?

 **Rarity:** Since she seems rather dense, I cannot say! But I _will_ say, a part of me regrets that I won't be there to see how she reacts when she discovers it!

Rarity began laughing, in a surprisingly wicked manner. Then, albeit more quietly, so did Fluttershy.

* * *

 **Epilogue:**

Panty and Stocking looked around as See-Through warped into its new realm. It didn't take them long to suspect that this wasn't their own universe. It certainly wasn't Daten City. Rather, it was a small-ish town with some ornate, old-timey-looking buildings…and a bunch of others that looked pretty unremarkable. The girls had emerged from the magic portal next to a school, where two children were looking over a bulletin board with arrangeable letters. The current message was, "STUDENTS, REMEMBER OUR FIELD TRIP TO BRADFORD RAILROAD MUSEUM ON FRIDAY. PLEASE BE SURE TO TURN IN FORMS YOU HAVE SIGNED BY YOUR PARENTS, AND TO PACK A LUNCH."

 **Black Child With Flat-Top Hair:** Wow; this is a mouthful! I don't know quite where to start!

 **White Child With Poofy Yellow Hair:** I know, right? Well, we might as well start by thinking what naughty words we can say here. Grab up the letters, George, while I think. We can make "Poop", "fart" "butt", "barf"-

 **George:** Whoa; slow down there, Harold, while I find and fish the right letters out to spell your naughty words, and then we'll see what else we can make with the left overs!

Panty took an immediate interest, so she departed See-Through and caught most of the conversation as George and Harold collected the letters.

 **Panty:** You boys need some help? 'Cause I'm pretty good with naughty words!

 **Harold:** Whoa, you're an adult, and you're not gonna tell us stop?!

 **Panty:** Nope; but I think you need to go next-level with this scheme! How about you make it say, hmm…"STUDENTS, PLEASE BE SURE TO FUCK YOUR PARENTS AND EAT SHIT FOR LUNCH."

Harold gasped. George laughed.

 **George:** If we do this, we will be in so much trouble that we'd have to do something really drastic to get out of it!

 **Harold:** Also, is that even possible with those letters?

George was shifting letters around on the ground, in order to find out.

 **George:** I'm looking into that now…ohhh maan; yes they _do_! Ok; we may as well see where this goes!

George, Harold, and Panty all started chortling as he replaced the letters to form the lewd message on the board. Stocking grinned as well. Just then, though, an angry-looking man in a toupe wandered on by, gawked, and yelled,

 **Angry-Looking Man In a Toupee:** Wwwwhat…the…"

 **Panty:** "Fuck?" I think that's about how you should end that, dude!

 **Angry-Looking Man In a Toupee:** Don't you "dude" me; missy! I am Principle Benjamin Krupp, and I order you to leave and stop acting as a bad influence on these two brats!

George pointed to behind Principle Krupp.

 **George:** Oh snap; principle; look! It's a fart ghost!

 **Principal Krupp:** Fart ghost?! You think I'm going to look away for that sort of ridiculous fib!

Just then, people started screaming from the direction George was coming; lots of variations of "It stinks!" Harold remarked on it, too, as Panty and Stocking prepared to draw their titular weapons.

 **Harold:** He's right Mr. Krupp; it's the Great Greedy Gut-Gas Ghost!

Finally, Mr. Krupp did, in fact, look behind him, beholding a horrifying paranormal entity that seemed to consist of noxious green-brown vapors, with a mouth and two eyes shaped a bit like those of a cliché jack-o-lantern's and glowing with some magical force. The thing also had arms, which seemed to stretch and spread its stench further when it swung them!

 **Principal Krupp:** Well, "what the fuck" is about right!

Harold snapped his fingers, causing Mr. Krupp to take on a more competent expression, and run into an alley for some reason.

 **George:** I think we should stand back, Harold…

 **Stocking:** You can count on us to kick that thing's ass! Fart ghosts are our type of thing!

She and Panty were now both outside of See-Through, and cocking their weapons. Just then, a man who looked almost exactly like Mr. Krupp, but without the toupee, and any of his clothes save for his briefs, plus a red cape on his back, flew in from over the building!

 **Man Who Looks Almost Exactly Like Mr. Krupp, but Without the Toupee, and Any of His Clothes Save His Briefs, Plus a Red Cape on His Back:** Halt your vile villainy, you ghastly, gassy ghost! Or else I, Captain Underpants, shall deploy the full and righteous powers of underwear to halt you!

 **Panty:** Oh, _fuck_ yes!

 **Stocking:** Yeah; this world seems pretty cool.

The three heroes charged, uttering battle cries.

 **Captain Underpants:** Tra-la-laaaaaaa!

 **Panty and Stocking:** Repent, motherfucker!

 **To Be Continued, in** _ **Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie**_ **! In theaters this June!**

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I would like to thank the following sources for information utilized in writing this story:**

 ***Lauren Faust, the developer of _My Little Pony: Friendship_ _is Magic_ , for revealing the toilet habits of ponies. (They have none).**

 ***MLP Forums for explaining there is probably no alcohol in Equestria, and what size ponies probably are.**

 **Other bits of trivia about Equestria and how things are there, namely the ones with no precedent in the series, I just made up based on what felt logical, which brings us to to the main meat of this afterward:**

 _ **Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt**_ **and _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_ debuted around the same time period, give-or-take a year, and featured a notably similar artstyle. There's a good reason for this; the aforementioned Lauren Faust had worked on the art of several notable "Cartoon-Cartoons" of the 1990s, such as _Dexter's Laboratory_ , _The Powerpuff Girls_ , and _Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends_. These shows obviously were popular enough to inspire later generations of animators, including some at Gainax who, around a decade later, decided to do _Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt_ (mostly) in a style reminiscent of the the one Faust et al helped canonize. Soon after, she returned to TV cartoons in charge of rebooting _My Little Pony_ , to the G4 continuity that is still going on as of now, and she, too, brought back her own style. **

**As such, given their similar and likable artstyles, there's substantial crossover in fandom between the two series, and as such, plenty of crossover fanart and fanworks, too. However, the tone of the shows and their styles of humor are obviously very different. Noting this irony alone wouldn't be enough impetus for me to make my own, more subversive take on this popular genre, but one thing _did_ move me: I've grown tired of this show's constant preaching about how the power of love can summon rainbows to win any fight and warm the hearts of any criminal, and I wanted to give it a bit of a smack in the face. That's when I figured that Panty and Stocking would be the perfect choice to send up that sort of quixotic idealism, and I also brought in an original villain to set the stage, although he isn't in the story much.  
**

 **This critical approach to MLP is not to be taken as an implication that I hate the series. Overall, it does a good job at what it sets out to do, and even when it isn't funny or emotional, it's usually pleasant. Moreover, I acknowledge, as have many, that the show depicts its characters as braver and more competent than many other girls' shows, and for this reason, I went back and rewrote part of this fanfiction before submitting it. The first draft of the beginning would have all of the ponies fleeing from See-Through when it first entered, which on closer inspection, I decided was unfair. These ponies are not cowards. So I just had them go off somewhere, and Twilight get stuck in the PSG world for a moment. Likewise, I wasn't about to make this nothing but a skewering of everything associated with ponies; Pinky Pie legitimately shares an interest in sweets with Stocking, and so I could write them being friendly without it seeming forced...even if it wasn't as funny as watching Panty get in squabbles with other characters. Credit to ponies when do. However, the bit of MLP I have to be harder on is the lessons; it is billing itself around teaching children good values, and its approach to antisocial characters, or even outright criminals, is a key place where I believe it fails to teach good values. I'm not going to pretend there is no value in attempting to rehabilitate criminals, but simply being friendly to proven criminals, while apparently letting them move freely, is clearly not rehabilitation in a way that is safe. That, and it gets outright cringe-worthy when you have moments like Rainbow Dash putting Discord who has done no good in the series, before her loyal friends on a priority. These are the sorts of things I took to task in this story.**

 **In case it needs to be said, that does not mean Panty is simply the "sane" person here. She's largely a boorish hedonist, as usual, who can be a delightful person to spend time with when you have a mutual interest, but downright dangerous when you get on her bad side. Still, sometimes it takes someone who simply doesn't give a fuck to point out what should be obvious, but is distasteful to say. Ultimately, the best thing to take away from this is that neither extreme is totally right, but these things don't improve and the best answer remains unfound when there isn't dialogue between the two. So maybe the happiest thing about the ending is that the ponies now intend to have a dialogue to readdress their policies in a way more broadly acceptable to them all.**

 **Having gotten that long, serious point out of the way, here are a few shorter tidbits on why some things are the way they are:**

 ***It has, of course, never been stated in this series that its ponies urinate to sexually arouse each other. However, it is something that _actual_ horses do, so in line with Lauren Faust's statement that her fantasy ponies excrete like normal horses, this follows that logic.**

 ***The person Panty was talking about possibly being aroused by urine is Briefers Rock. This, likewise, was never outright stated in PSG, but he has been shown to be aroused by some of Panty's other bodily fluids, such as her boogers and (in the manga) her loogies. (One of which he swallowed!)**

 ***Panty was not officially stated to be lactose-intolerant so far as I remember, but it made for a good scene in the story.**

 ***Drugs of most sorts don't exist in Equestria; I decided to go with that on reading that there isn't any apparent liquor. That said, the exception was Steroidsas, as Bulk Biceps' tiny wings are pretty obviously a reference to how steroids fuel muscle growth at a cost to one's genitals.**

 ***Fluttershy calling out Rainbow Dash for saying "derpy" is, as many would guess, a reference to how Hasbro momentarily assigned the fan nickname, "Derpy" to a memetic background pony, before backpedaling and altering the audio after learning it meant something like "retarded".**


End file.
